Judas Asparagus

If you need a laugh today, then  this should do it! 

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. 

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. 

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand  what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was  nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says,  'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. 

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. 

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked,  but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been  invented yet. 

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long  as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died  off, except forMethuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,  but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a  large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked  some other people to join him, but they said they would  have to take a rain check.

 After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more  famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his  birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son  named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was  Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt   and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on  Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,  bowels, and no cable.

 God fed the Israel Lights every day  with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your  neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:  Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first  Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and  the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a  giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had  about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise,  but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets..  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then  barfed up on the shore.. 

There were also some minor league  prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the  star of The New.  He was born   in  Bethlehem  in a barn.   (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would  be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like  the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they  named a terrible vegetable after him..

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even  preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the  Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

-------You must share this delightful story! --------